Facing It, Again & Again

Things are very slow at the moment, and I’m finding that I’m having too many internal conversations once again that I truly wished that I was done having. But, I suppose there are several reasons for these hazardous, dangerous, depressing, self-flagellating time-consuming, but some times inspiring and motivating, thoughts…

Many commercials, theatrical, and television projects are being done outside of the Los Angeles market these days. Those jobs are increasingly hiring “local” talent, and the erosion of union work to non-union has also increased. Being union, I’m not to audition or work non-union jobs, and quite honestly, working non-union gigs acting jobs is not at all a viable, sustainable, career path, as there are no contract minimums, no residuals, no pension nor health benefits… Trust me, as I age, health insurance becomes more important, as does having a possible pension waiting to assist to make rent payments and purchase groceries in later years.

The second reason for these thoughts cycling around in my head, again, year after year, decade after decade, is very possibly the career choice in the performing or media arts… Very possibly a pursuit of acting, art, writing, music… are some of the most turbulent, unpredictable journeys that anyone could every think to attempt. A path so uncertain, the majority of those that start on it end up never make any substantial income, even after a constant and continual outpouring of expenses, such as classes, pictures, dues, fees, and required Internet services.

For those “lucky us,” who are or have been able to carve out any piece of the pie, no matter how large or small, or for how long, we are persistently subject to subjective opinions of industry insiders who don’t necessarily want to welcome in new blood, a public who is eagerly looking to criticize, build heroes, and tear down icons, and a new flood of people all with the same beliefs we may have once had, that they are something special, and someone the world has been waiting for…

These are also the days many of us scroll our social media feeds and witness all the blissful postings of others, while we in turn question our lives, our careers, our paths, our very selves, and our happiness.

Many peers have folded, and moved on, from lives so full of rejection.

We constantly face our fears, and the canvas, with our noses pressed up against it, after stumbling over lines at auditions, or getting “passes” from production company readers, questioning whether or not we want to stand back up as we hear an internal ref counting out numbers… “5, 6, 7, 8…”

Time and time again hoping we can right our ship, and get our feet under us, shake out the cobwebs, and once more get back into the fight before the entire bout is waved off, and in the case of many of my friends who have moved on to other careers, many of them seem grateful that they did finally step out of the ring. Moving on to a life they consider to be more predictable and in which they feel more appreciated, get health insurance and paid vacation days.

But nearly nothing in life is guaranteed, except that at some point it will end after a lifetime of decisions and non-decisions, actions and inactions.

Perhaps, for some of us it’s more than one bout. It’s a marathon of being knocked down, and knocking down…striking out and hitting home runs…whatever sports analogy we personally equivocate it to. Winning games. Losing bouts. Standing eight counts. And come from behind victories. We’re all looking for the brass ring, each time we circle, going up and down on whatever plastic painted ponies we’re riding at the time, missing more times than we’d ever publicly admit… And when in those times we’re able to grab the ring, each time we grab it, we rediscover that the feeling of winning the prize is temporary…as one of my friends and I were discussing this year, while doing my taxes.

In the beginning you celebrate auditions, then you get enough of those and you start to celebrate call backs, then you celebrate your first small jobs that you book for like a month, then you celebrate those jobs for a week, it can digresses all the way to the point where the moment you book a jobs, you celebrate for about three seconds, and then wonder, “what’s next?” even before you shoot the job.

So many of us are constantly looking to always move forward, to do more, to be more, to be substantial in the scheme of things, more creative in the creation of projects, while all the while looking in the rear view mirror and seeing life, health, age, rent, and utility bills.

The third reason could be that the fact that I have recently taken on a new challenge, in the role of an acting teacher, which has somehow put a microscope or magnifying glass on my past, present and potential future. As I’ve designed exercises, and implement lesson plans, I’ve had to face fears of being found as a fraud. I’ve had to challenge my apprehensions of offering myself and career as example, examining where thus I’ve traveled, and the successes and stumbles along the way.

Lastly, for yet again, some unknown reason, perhaps it’s once again fear, laziness, or some odd belief that I know the outcome of an adventure before I ever begin, I’ve become semi-complacent, leaning far too heavily on others, investing too much in the hopes of either collaboration or belief of help. People who themselves are going through their own questions, and facing down their own demons.

So, I’m back at the drawing board, looking at what irons I have in the fire, what has worked for me in the past, and wondering what’s holding me as I hold myself back. I have to figure out a way, not to “know” an outcome before I start down a path… to somehow become blissfully ignorant again, to believe in possibility, to be willing to be wrong, to not “know” how things will go.

It was amazing, that feeling that all I had to do was book a role on TV or in a film and my career would take off, or land a national commercial…or that being in a play or web-series would lead to something greater. I’ve written four books…and sales to date have not generated enough income to make writing a fifth one financially worth doing…but either I have to keep writing and publishing, or get out of the ring. I have submitted countless screenplays to countless screenplay competition, at $50 or more bucks a pop, and have sent a plethora of PDFs to professional acquaintances, but either I hang up the keyboard, or I keep writing and keep submitting. I’ve done 100s of self-produced shorts and songs, and got to the point where, I felt I knew how many hits each video would get before I even started working on a song, either I have to continue doing them, or figure something else out. The same goes with singing… With being in other people’s films… the same goes with… the same goes… I have to remember to constantly seek work as an actor for myself and not rely on others, to audition, to audition, and to keep working in and on other people’s projects until something takes off, or I land the next thing, or… I bet on myself fully and produce more of my own scripts, create more of my own web series, record more of my own CDs, produce more of my own concerts, publish more of my own books, cast myself in more projects, continue making my products, learning from the past, and packaging them more and more professionally.

Whatever I’ve done to this point, with whatever help I have gotten or haven’t gotten, it’s really up to me to continue to move forward. To write. To sing. To act. To submit. To try. To send. To sell. To get up off the mat. To get up to the plate. To get in the game. To stand in front of the camera or those auditioning. To slate my name and my height over and over and over again, to memorize lines that may never be heard by anyone other than those who are casting…

I could not have achieved all I’ve achieved without help from many generous other people, the list would be incredibly long… However, I certainly couldn’t have achieved anything if I didn’t take many of those steps, the first steps, blindly trusting that something could possibly go right.

Okay, I started writing this with the quote, “I am thankful to all those who said NO to me. It’s because of them I did it myself,” ringing in my ears, and with my frustration with perceived stagnation boiling over. But now, at the end of writing this, whatever it is, another quote is screaming inside my head, the same quote which I’ve had as my background on my iPad for the longest time now…

“Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and focus on what could go right.”

“Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and focus on what could go right.”

“Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and focus on what could go right.”

“Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and focus on what could go right.”

– Quiche Out

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What Time Does The Sun Go Down

Back a few weeks ago a friend asked me to guest in her CD release party… below is a video from it. The song I was asked to sing is entitled, “What Time Does The Sun Go Down,” written by Ruth Roberts.

LINK: https://youtu.be/7jIVIeI6kMo

Can’t say I was flawless, but it was fun.Screen Shot 2018-04-06 at 10.24.51 PMScreen Shot 2018-04-06 at 10.24.11 PM

Hope you enjoy,

– Quiche Out

Lazy Druthers (Video from Feb Show)

LINK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Q-6Botv8VY

Another video from our February 2018 show out in Palm Desert, CA.

This one we call, “Lazy Druthers.” Details on YouTube.

– Quiche Out

 

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CanCan — Yup, we did…

The first excerpt from our February 25th, 2018 – BROADWAY 1950s, THE GOLDEN AGE – show in Palm Desert. Hope to see you next time, live… Plenty of details on the YouTube page.

LINK: https://youtu.be/Wnyyj3tD-mc

Not sure how many excerpts/songs I’ll cut from the show, as it’s a long process, and I’m once again attempting to learn new editing software.

– Quiche Out

Palm Desert Show (Feb 25th, 2018)

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A big thank you to everyone that made it out to our Broadway 1950s, The Golden Age show this past Sunday. It was a lot of fun for Deirdre Moncy, Joel Baker, and myself. Big thanks to Les Michaels who produced the show, my parents for making the trip from NJ and helping, Darcy for helping on the fly, and Alex for running the sound and lights.

Not sure the next time either one of us will be out to the Coachella Valley and do some singing again, but we both were super happy we did, and I’m sure we will be back, either individually or collectively!

As for a video of the performance, once I get all the footage…one or two individual songs may be posted on a YouTube account, and possibly a sizzle reel will be assembled.

Trouble is, without a professional on each piece of equipment the entire time, it’s nearly impossible to get a high-quality, flub free, interesting video…and unless it’s staged and performed FOR the cameras…it’s ALWAYS BETTER LIVE and in the moment. ALWAYS.

Thank you for your support, and thank you Coachella Valley.

– Quiche Out

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Pimping Palm Springs

One week away from the Coachella Valley performance – NEXT SUNDAY Feb 25th at 2PM at the Arthur Newman Theater in Palm Desert.  

The Golden Age of Broadway 1950s with Deirdre Moncy and Joel Baker. Produced by Les Michaels.

Facebook event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/149327482543175??ti=ia

Pimped the show last night at AJ’s…in Cathedral City. See the video on YouTube…

https://youtu.be/GKbvwlkfMko

– Quiche Out