…Needs To Be A Constant Continual Reminder

Courtesy Of Jack Kusler

Perhaps I post too frequently for you to read them all, and/or for them all to be great blogs postings, and/or they’re all about similar topics, but as I’ve promised myself and my craft to write a little every day, when I’m not punching the keys for a specific project, this site is often the lucky recipient of my writing time.

Last night a waitress I had not previously met noticed me as I was sitting at the bar writing. With a playful tone and sweet smile the cutie dressed in black flirtatiously asked if I was writing a poem for her.

“Give me a few minutes and maybe I will,” I answered back rather flatly.

A few minutes later I asked the bartender for a piece of paper, and jotted down a second draft of something that I had just scribbled in my journal.

While it was probably not at all what she was expecting, nor was she most likely expecting anything, I handed the 4 X 4 inch scrap to her on one of her many passes from her seated tables, to the bar.

She never said more than “thank you,” about it… And if she did I can’t tell you what it would have been.  I’m not sure she ever read it, or if it just didn’t end up soaked and stained with bused calamari sauce and raspberry martinis inside a kitchen trashcan.

The important thing wasn’t her reading it, it wasn’t her praising it, loving it, or hating it… The important thing for me was writing it. And though I don’t have that draft, it doesn’t at all matter (not that it was anything much of anything)… The doing is what should matter. The pleasure from doing. Not the reaction of an audience of one.

This week I had coffee with a lovely lass, someone I had wanted to meet up with socially for a while now… To find out more about her, face to face…

When she told me about the long-term boyfriend she happily lives with, while it would have been very easy to be disappointed, it really didn’t matter… It didn’t change anything.  She and I continued to be the same people, we continued to share, to laugh, the coffee shop stayed open, and the Earth remained on it’s axis…

Perhaps we become the best of friends, perhaps the next time we see each other in passing we smile that much deeper, perhaps the time with her today inspired this blog, and this blog inspires some talent in you, and you write the Great American Novel that brings the entire world to complete peace. Or perhaps… I become best friends with someone in her life, through her, and that person and I build a space ship that travels to another galaxy… It really doesn’t at all matter.

Once again, for me, the most important thing was the asking, and then enjoying the conversation and the moment. Though I guess one could crassly joke, “Yo, I thought you said, ‘it was the doing,’ and apparently you ain’t gonna be doin’ it with her.”

Nothing could prove the importance of the happiness of doing, and letting go of results, better than this past week when I recorded a Closet Singer for the first time in almost six months. (First written about in Neil & Me posted on Feb 17th, 2012)

I went into my closet to play, to sing, to work on my recording skills, to do a dry run of the recording programs and all the set up that goes into it.

When I then recorded the song, it again was just for fun, because what I was hearing was giving me pleasure…

When I decided to share the vocals with others, because sharing it would give me pleasure, I came up with the concept for the video on the spot which was enjoyable, and then it was all just fun to execute the filming.

Editing too filled my night with a warm feeling and smile, as it’s an activity that I really enjoy.

But then…

I posted it.

And all of a sudden things changed. All of a sudden not enough people were watching it. Not enough people mentioned anything about it. No one was forwarding it. Questions started coming up in my head… Voices of doubt. Voices on insecurity. Feelings… And not happy positive ones. Why weren’t people clicking on it? Why did I waste my night working on it? What was the point of recording it?

Why was I not getting any pleasure from it any longer?

Because I forgot the simple rule…

It doesn’t matter if it ends up stained with french fry grease unread, unwatched, under-appreciated, unsold, if she has a boyfriend, girlfriend, if 10 people watch it or 2,000,000,000…

I should not let any of that stain the happiness that I had in creating, recording, rehearsing, asking, shooting, singing, filming, editing, communicating, flirting… or WHATEVER!

Because when I do I get in trouble, it shuts me down, I start judging, questioning, feeling crappy, it gives me a rash of feelings that are so far from happiness… And when I do, it’s the biggest mistake I can make.

Perhaps that’s why so many don’t share what they write, or draw or sing… Because they don’t want to be shut down, because they don’t want those feelings, those internal conversations…

- Quiche Out

Imagine and Get Wet

This image with this quote was one of the first things I saw today… It resonated in me and I hope it resonates for years to come… What an awesome goal we should all aspire to achieve. It reminded me of a few childhood incidents that had me coloring inside the lines, because that was the “right” thing to do.

A few hours later I was hiking on one of my favorite waterfall trails with a friend, and we watched a young woman, walking a Black Labrador Retriever, and not letting the young pup do exactly what EVERY SINGLE Black Lab would instinctively want to do… Get wet, and jump in the water of a babbling brook and play…

She was willing to let the dog stand on the edge of the creek, but would not let the cutie touch the water. It seemed like cruel and unusual punishment. After all, why did this woman take on a life with a playful water dog, and bring the beauty to a place with a free flowing stream…

I did however get joy in the moment silently knowing that the dog would get plenty soaked only a few hundred feet up the trail, as the path would cross the creek three times, and lab puppies don’t instinctively rock hop.

If it’s true that John Lennon really said that to a teacher, what a claim to fame that teacher had for years… “I got schooled by a 5 year old John Lennon. I’m so happy he didn’t listen to me.”

Imagine
and Get Wet.

- Quiche Out

Screen shot 2012-02-20 at 9.27.20 AM

Closet Singer Status

Kevin Costner’s Words About His Friend

The video above may be gone by the time you read this and if it is, if you’re in the arts I’m suggesting that you find it, and watch it all the way through…

It’s Kevin Costner’s touching good-bye to Whitney Houston. I never met either of them, but his words about her really resonated in me…

There is no question that she had beauty, charisma, charm, heart, and an amazing talent… And yet apparently she questioned herself constantly, questioning if she was good enough, if she was pretty enough, if SHE was enough…

Someone so amazing with some of the same struggles that I have… The same doubts, fears and questions… Wow.

-Quiche Out

Neil & Me

Almost anyone that’s heard me sing live or in “The Closet” has probably heard me cover a Neil Diamond song before (I Am… I Said, Sweet Caroline, Forever in Blue Jeans, Cherry Cherry…), his ranges are exciting and yet comfortable, and the feelings contained in them are palpable to me. Well, I recorded another song in the closet last night (embedded below), it had been almost 6 months since I had hooked up all the cables and ran the camera and editing software, so I figured I’d do a little test run…

As to why it’s been so long, that’s another blog, and not important for this entry…

The song I decided to rehearse was “Play Me” – a song I don’t remember loving years ago, but has found a home in my heart recently. I love how music is like that. I first tried the song on a few weeks ago, and liked how it fit and felt, and this past weekend, while I stayed on book, reading over the shoulder of the pianist Greg Hilfman, I sang it live in front of a gathering of people, and then the night after I sang it in a dive Karaoke joint.

February 5th, while I was first learning this particular song, I posted the following quote on the Closet Singer Facebook Page, after I discovered it…

“Diamond doesn’t think any of his songs need to be explained. Or even understood. “Holly Holy,” he says, “is not the kind of thing you’re supposed to think about. It’s the kind of piece where one line, or one word, sets off a little zinger, gives you a twinge. And that’s all it is. ‘Play Me,’ I’ve had people say, ‘Jesus, there’s a couple of lines I wish you’d change.’ It’s crazy. Let one line reach. Let it not add up to anything and touch you. And let’s you not understand it. There are no rules, you see. That’s the beautiful thing about it. And the best things I’ve done are the things that people really don’t understand.”
- excerpt from book “Not Fade Away, A Backstage Pass to 20 Years Of Rock & Roll” by Ben Fong-Torres (on interviewing Neil Diamond)

Here is the recording from last night… Hopefully it makes you smile, “sets off a little zinger,” or “twinge” and perhaps you know others that would also enjoy hearing it… Play it in the background as you go about your day if you like… But just “Play Me.”

Who Do “They” Say You Remind Them Of?

Throughout my adult life I have heard various comparisons to my physical likeness, most are quite flattering, and where one person sees one similarity another person doesn’t. In no particular order these are some of the famous people I’ve been told I’ve reminded people of…

- Marc Singer (around when BeastMaster came out on tape)
- Harrison Ford (by far I’ve heard this the most, for 20 years now, both voice and look)
- Patrick Swayze (way back when, and it’d usually come with, “around the eyes”)
- Liam Neeson/Ralph Fiennes (coming out of the theater after seeing “Schindler’s List” someone actually came up to me and said, “you look like if both of them had a baby”)
- Liev Schreiber (in recent years)..

There have been others as well, which one person or two have mentioned, which I totally don’t see at all (John Wayne, Tim Robbins, even John C. Reilly???) but really that’s not what I wanted to write about, I don’t really find that stuff too interesting, and honestly, when I’m in front of a casting director, and when that’s what they’re trying to come up with… I’d rather them just see me. Why is it we do that as a society?  You can stop reading here if you just want to answer…

“Who do people say you remind them of…?”

But what I find more interesting are characters or traits that people say you remind them of, I have gotten Winnie The Pooh’s pal Eeyore many times. I have also understood the comparison that I’ve been linked to with Boxer from George Orwell’s Animal Farm, “I will work harder.” Muttley, the laughing dog, because of my laugh when I laugh so hard I can hardly breathe (caught on video below)… Sam The Sheepdog, I think because of my deep voice, work ethic, pace and protective nature. And recently I got even Baloo from The Jungle Book after someone heard me sing.

Some comparisons are silly, some are flattering, some are enlightening… if you want to end reading here, that’s cool too…

“Who do people say you remind them of, that it isn’t just about the structure of your face or coloring?”

Have you dug into these comparisons? Looked at what possibly has been written about them? Was there anything you could learn from them?

“Boxer is the strongest and probably the most admired animal on the farm. He is first introduced as “an enormous beast, nearly eighteen hands high, and as strong as any two ordinary horses put together [...] he was not of first-rate intelligence, but he was universally respected for his steadiness of character and tremendous powers of work” (1.3). As the story moves on, we’ll quickly see that Boxer is a hard worker, but that “his steadiness of character,” which all too often means unquestioning loyalty, will get him into trouble.”

“Wikipedia describes Eeyore using the words, “pessimistic, melancholic AND depressed.” Whew, that’s a pretty intense character analysis for a stuffed donkey made into a cartoon character. So as I read a few analysis’s about Eeyore (yes, people have had time to analyze Eeyore) I discovered that Eeyore actually has some good qualities too. He apparently will pretend to help his friends because he has, “nothing better to do” but secretly he enjoys it. Also, Eeyore does not view himself as gloomy. That’s a relief. Although now that I think about it have you ever heard anyone describe themselves as gloomy? Eeyore is also very smart but he chooses to keep his knowledge to himself. And Eeyore is very capable of a lot of compassion which apparently he showed one time when he grew a plant that Rabbit was unable to grow just by showing it a lot of love.”

I’ve also heard comparisons to the artist Auguste Rodin, writer Charles Bukowski, writer Honoré de Balzac, actor J.T. Walsh… All for differing reasons. Some I understand, some I just nod and say “thank you, I think.”

This past weekend yet another character was thrown into the mix… The Archangel Michael. And if you think that one’s as easy to swallow as say Liev Schreiber (don’t make that dirty), or as easy to comprehend as Boxer, it isn’t at all… First, there’s so many stories, and so much information, and varying views on him, from so many differing cultures… And when I asked my friend a day later why she brought that name up… She wrote: “Stop with the agitated silliness/resistance tom,” (Eeyore) and then she described the Archangel Michael, and pointed a specific article which was not only humongously flattering, but also quite intimidating… She ended her note to me simply with “YOU ARE AN ANGEL INCARNATE, TOM that’s just the way it is.”

Hmmm, for someone that over-analyzes and continually-questions… I’m still not what sure what… I’m not sure… Where the heck did I put my tail?

Well, it reminds me of an Uncle that has always believed I have more to share, a deeper self, a “more” inside of me… Which inspired the below Closet Singer episode years ago, questioning just that.

What was the point of this blog? It seems I have lost my through-line hunting images and posting links…

The truth is, I don’t know if I have a point, it’s more an observation. It’s more about self-discovery. Self-improvement. And examination of Self. And who gives a rat’s ass.

A few days ago I wrote a blog about my amazing friends, and one of the perks of having amazing friends is that we very often learn from them, and they almost always enlighten us in some way. As one friend put it… “You’re like blend between Harrison Ford, and a person that would ask questions like ‘would you rather kiss Reagan or a barnacle on a boat?’ You’re like the kid I wish I could have played with in the sandbox.”

Saying an actress reminds you of someone, or this person reminds you of an actor, is really only slightly below the surface if at all. A cartoon character, or historical figure, or actor that reminds people of your personality or essence is probably a little deeper. And, as I already eluded to with the “rat’s ass” comment, the actual truth is, NONE OF IT REALLY MATTERS. They’re all just games of sorts, and I’m pretty sure one of you out there can point me to a study that explains why we as humans have the need to familiarize others with things we know, or one of you have your own theory on why we do that.

No one will ever know all of us, and most people will only know part of us… It reminds me of the story of the blind men and the elephant… How not one person could agree what the elephant looked like, because they were all touching different parts of his body.

Enough with this examination through the perception of others… Too much is never a good thing… As the story of Narcissus so clearly demonstrates. “Yo Narci-baby, stop with all the self-portraits on your camera-phone and reading your own status updates and eat something will you?”

If you’ve made it this far… Feel free to answer anyone of the questions I’ve posed, as well as what I would like to see the most, and that is, WHAT (if anything) DID YOU LEARN from the comparisons that were made by others? Did it inform you? Did you benefit from the comparison? Was it just silly fun? Did you find it insulting?

- Quiche Out

Pussy Made Me Wet & Smile

One of my childhood friends used to read my blogs when I was professionally blogging for BackStage a few years ago… It was a sweet gig that was supposed to last 12 months, but turned out to last 21. Anyway, that friend told me one day, probably over lunch in a little Jersey diner, that he would print out the blogs a month or two at a time, and then read them back to back to back… He would get a kick out of how high one blog would be, and how low the next one might be… Some projects would build to crescendos with payoffs, but most of them would build until they stop building and they’d fade to black, never to be written about again.

I’d work on a script, I’d be super psyched about writing a new script, then finish the script… then nothing, not another word more about it. Or another script would be given to a production company, director, or have an option paid for on it, and then… Nada. Auditions would come in, call backs would come up, then… Goose egg. Zilch.

He found the roller coaster of my life entertaining, and honestly, I could see why… On one hand he’d compare my life in the arts to his commissioned sales job, but on the other hand would also honestly admit there were things about what I had to do, or that went on in my business and life that there’s no way he could ever deal with. Feast or famine for one thing… The “never knowing” being another… Of course there were others as well.

Tonight was sort of the second day of the blues for me, a few things kicked off yesterday’s feelings.. And I won’t bother you with them… But tonight it was capped off when my neighbor’s cat pissed on my jacket, while I was visiting tonight.

But honestly, it was perfect. Absolutely perfect. And I couldn’t help but smile, and I continue smiling about it as I write…

Just when you’re feeling shitty…
Discovering a puddle of piss snaps you out of it.

In my acting class this week my teacher got all philosophical on us… He began by talking about time and space, past present and future… And at one point he asked for a show of hands how many of us students thought we had a good life. And then… “How many of you think you have a great life?” And finally, “How many think you have a shitty life?”

Well, I’m happy to say that most of my classmates had their hands raised for one of the first two answers… But me? No. I had my hand up the entire time.

I do have a good life. I have a great life, and I have a shitty life. Some days it feels awful and crappy. Some days it feels awesome and snappy. Some days it all feels so close. The pretty girl says “Yes” for coffee. The producer session goes great. There’s a check in the mailbox. A friend of mine’s gonna talk to a friend of hers (that works at a big studio) about my newest script. I just finish with my part of a new novel. And then, there’s days that nothing feels any different than the last 5471 days I’ve been treading water in Los Angeles.

Yes, I know I’ve done FAR MORE than tread water in my life, but when a friend at the gym today asked me how things were going, I literally said to him… “Take any of the conversations we’ve had over the past 15 years, blend a few together, and then cut and paste.”

Yes, it’s hard to not get discouraged…
But then a cat pisses on my jacket, and I can’t stop smiling. I guess it’s because I know it’s going to be hard for anything to top that tomorrow…

-Quiche Out

PS. My jacket was on an ottoman, near the chair I was sitting on… Not on me. I discovered the puddle of wetness when I was leaving.